I am a person.
I am hair, eyes, smile, skin, bones, muscle, fat, lips, and any other limbs or extremities you can think of.
I am simply who I exist to be at any point in time.
I have come to realise that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. Not everyone will find me attractive. Why should that matter? I am the one who will live in her skin for the rest of her life. To see the same reflection every day. Yet why did I come to loathe it so much?
Each day I now make a habit of sitting in front of my full-length mirror completely naked. No this isn’t one of those gimmicks or a trick from Gok wan’s how to look good naked. Although very similar and inspiring, I simply took the time to look at myself.
To watch the way I breathe air, the curve of my rolls, the freakishly long toes I have grown to hate and my face.
Oh, my face.
How we have had a love-hate relationship over the years. often I have felt like I was ugly, sobbing in the dark at how unappealing I was to the male gaze. My face is obscured by glasses I have never really felt beautiful with them on. I had spots for a long time. That didn’t help. I kept thinking that once, I have clear skin then my “glow-up” transformation will happen and I’ll be bomb as f**k! All the guys will flock to me from my snapchat stories and the world will be aligned properly again. That didn’t happen.
I am looking at my face as I type this. Glasses have always signified a geek, nerd, someone smart but not attractive. Excuse me if this sounds self-absorbed, but now I feel cute and focused. I feel beautiful from within.
It’s never been about that. It has never been about them, the men. It has always been about the relationship I have had with myself. That what it is always about. To look at yourself with a pure gaze, no judgment or scrutiny is the hardest task of all. They say to picture yourself at “8 years old” would you say demeaning things to the 8-year-old version of you?
I prefer to picture me now. The one who needs love, and needs a pep talk. Where better to start than from within.
Love your face. Love your body. Love your character. The mighty trinity of loving who you are. The person you have to live with forever, till death do you part. Is the temple that is your body & your brain.
A message from Arcade:
Though this is different from my usual posts. It is not often that inspirations strike me enough that I follow through on editing and finishing my blog post drafts. I started to forget that I initially started writing this blog for myself and was starting to become obsessed with consistency rather than enjoyment, happiness, creativity, and self-love.
At this very moment, I have 15 ideas half-written and waiting, worried about who will read (not that I have many readers) and what they will think. I wrote this after a long hard look at myself. On the day I bumped into a person who spelled the beginning of a long journey of pain that led me here. A string of very particular coincidences on the exact day 3 years ago. I felt no anger or coldness. Not even sadness. I felt normal. I felt whole as a person who loved herself more than she had ever before.