It’s been a little while since I’ve posted on this blog, which is a very big understatement but I’ve had to deal with some personal issues. One big personal issue would have to be Laziness. Being discouraged by where I currently am in life, I have resorted to the respite of nothingness. Sometimes when you are completely overwhelmed with life it’s nice to stop for a moment and doing nothing. It’s a form of self-care. The problem occurs when doing nothing transforms into being lazy & stagnation. My internal persona has constantly been giving me a disapproving look for the last oh… I don’t know 5 months?
For a good chunk of my 24 years on this earth, I feel as though I have constantly been striving, learning, aiming for something. The next thing. The next exam, the next step, the next job, the next career move. I never really gave myself a break. Two weeks ago I took a much-needed trip to Amsterdam/Rotterdam, it was only when I returned that I realized how tired and drained I had become. For the next week or so I was moving around in a depressed comatose of holiday blues. I thought about how long before I would have another holiday and so this ball of negativity was born:
It’s hard to pick yourself up when you spiral into self-pity about life, career, relationships, and boy have I spiraled into all of the above. Despite my previous post after my 24th birthday, I have yet to reclaim my twenties. I’m still a confused mess, upset about my lack of progress in the world. I’ve had a new job for almost 3 months and I’m already fed up. I dread the moment where people ask about what I do. Because my job title seems uninteresting and mediocre in my own eyes. I have banished men from my peripheral vision, for they bring nothing but pain. The mere thought of how my life is going puts an ache in my heart. THIS IS NOT GOOD. I can only wallow in self-doubt and un-motivated pity for so long. Loneliness is giving way to bitterness and I am not that person. So it is time for me to make a change (though I’ve said this many a time before).
Even so, with this current post, I aim to reclaim my motivation. How will I do this? Good question. You see, I have yet to throw myself into any outside interests. It is hard to be motivated when you retreat to your room filled with distractions. I’m aiming to take some classes, write more blog posts, take up knitting, and give more attention to my family. Make an effort with people & step out of the house for once. Who knows maybe I will find some solace, to where I no longer feel loneliness, a failure or despair. I hope to finally find solace in solitude, and comfort in contentment.
“As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you, and you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.” – Isaiah 66:13